Grieving What Could Have Been
When doing inner child work, one of the things that can often come up is grief for what could have been but never will be.
When exploring the ways your needs weren’t met, we can feel struck by sadness, and it can feel blindsiding.
However, sometimes it’s hard to recognize that we are, in fact, feeling grief. When we experience sadness, it can be difficult to pinpoint what we’re even feeling. Most of us doing this kind of work have suppressed those feelings so deeply that, when they start coming to the surface, they can overflow—feeling like a volcano, a rapid river, or moving between both.
We may begin to think there is something wrong with us—that we aren’t doing the work right—and even ask, “How can this be? I’ve been managing this my whole life, and now I’m all in my feelings?!”
I assure you, this is part of the process. We must come to a place where we question, feel unsure, and experience the unknown. If you are here or arrive here, it means this work is changing you.
The challenge is that it’s new and unpredictable. But that’s change. That’s transformation.
If you are moving through this process and noticing new feelings, especially grief, here’s how to support yourself:
Allow yourself space to be in the sadness. Not to get lost in the sadness, but to let it come out and move through you.
Acknowledge that things are shifting, and offer reassurance that it’s okay not to know what the next steps are.
Take time—real time—to let yourself be in this process.
Share with safe people, whether it’s a close friend, family member, or therapist. This work is not meant to be done in isolation, even though you might want to isolate. The challenge is that not everyone is safe to share your process with, not because they don’t love you or care, but because of their own limitations. Don’t begrudge people for this. Instead, love yourself harder by being intentional in finding the right people.
Move your body and find ways to transmute the experience, allowing it to alchemize.
Drink lots of water and find other ways to nourish yourself to maintain strength through this time in your life.
When I was deep in my own grief during my inner child healing, there were periods of time when I had nothing to say, which made socializing painful at times. I felt internally spacious and empty. I still find it hard to describe. However, during this time, I was very intentional about who I spent time with and gave myself a lot of space to not speak, instead of forcing myself to do something I felt I could no longer do. Although this felt so uncomfortable and unknown (like, would I ever have something to say again?!), I just had to let it be. I was very supported during this time, as I was in therapy and in my training through Compassionate Inquiry. I had beautiful people in my sphere who I could reach out to at any time. That felt reassuring. However, even through this, I just allowed myself time and space to move through it, fully unclear of what it meant for the future.
On the other side, I now understand my experience. I was grieving, letting go and remembering. It felt so new, so unknown, I just didn’t have words to describe what I was going through. I was just IN it. I reluctantly and hesitantly surrendered, noting, this is who I am and if I don’t accept this part of myself, then I’m fighting the alchemy of what I’m working towards.
And so loved ones reading this. I see you. I’m here if needed.
